Holy Bajeezus.

Howdy, c:

~Real quick side note: J (You know who you are)- I don't care if you read this post, just please don't talk to me about it, it would be much appreciated, thanks :)~

Really quick, (sorry D:) The reason why this is entitled, "Holy Bajeezus" is because I have no IDEA why I'm writing this, it's like, this is nothing I would write before, and I don't exactly know how this is making me feel right now.. ANYWAYS.
There's this guy.. (oh look, a classic start to a teenage girl going on and on about some guy that she likes, well, this is exactly one of those, so I apologize if you don't like it, but it's happening anyways.)
So, Like I said, There's this guy. And what a guy he is. He just makes me feel so happy, and makes me feel wanted and special. It doesn't even make sense though because I only have one class period with him, and we hardly talk. But when we do talk, we talk A LOT. He's so funny, and I feel like we have these inside jokes, and I can't explain them! They're just little things either he or I will say and then we share a look with each other and nobody else understands and they all just get confused and then we're like, "It's an inside joke." And it just makes me feel so happy. I can't explain what it is about him. Maybe it's the fact that whenever I turn to look at him he seems to always be already looking. Maybe it's the fact that whenever he does see me looking he gets this half crooked smile on his face that immediately makes me smile back. Then of course, I blush and look away, realizing what I was doing. Maybe it's the fact that, though I love all of my friends, there are days when I just don't want to talk, and he realizes that and doesn't repeatedly ask me what's wrong, instead he finds out what the little things are that make me smile and he uses them, never letting me dwell on what was making me upset. It's that I always try to find an excuse to talk to him, and he doesn't care that it's so blatantly obvious, and he finds some excuse to respond to my awkward comment that has nothing to do with anything, and we start conversations like that, and sometimes he makes those awkward excuses to talk to me too. It's how his hazel eyes have those bits of red in them and how he jokes around that my fake ginger hair matches his real ginger eyes. It's the fact that he doesn't care if I joke around and call him a ginger and that he tells it right back to me, even though I'm a fake one. It's the fact that if I can depend on anyone to talk, just talk, without any strings attached, it's him. I feel like I'm rambling on and on now, but it's the truth. I can't imagine what my life would be like without him. And that scares me, it truly does. Because there's two days of the school year left, until two months straight where I won't see him, or talk to him, or laugh with him. Because, I know for a fact, that he likes this gorgeous, hilarious, pure-hearted girl. How can I compete with her? I feel like I can't, but I'm planning on telling him anyways. I'm just. Freaking. Out. Over. It. I seriously feel like I'm going to cry, and throw up. Right now, I mean, not when I tell him. What's happening to me? I shouldn't feel like that three days before I tell him, right? I should feel like that when I tell him, but not right now.. right? I just feel like I can't cope. I honestly feel like I can't talk to anyone about this, (J, I'm sorry if you're still reading this) but I just feel like, whenever I try, people just don't seem to care, or they change the topic.I have no clue what to say to him. I briefly thought of writing a note, but it just doesn't seem like it would be sincere enough. So, I decided on telling him in person, but what if I don't get the chance to, and what if I do get the chance to, but I just end up rambling on and on, and it just turns into some big thing that he doesn't follow and he doesn't hear what I'm actually trying to say and then the bell rings and he leaves without understanding? I just. I can't do it. I'm literally crying right now. What is happening to me? I can't cope. I just. I don't, understand. I've had boyfriends before, but him? I feel like he's so so special and dear to me, and I'm so afraid of messing that up. I just. I can't right now. Ugh. I'm sorry. This was just such a long ramble, and if you stuck through it then I applaud you. I'm just gonna go drown in my tears now. ;-;
Truly Yours,
That Girl Next Door (Who Is So Confused About A Boy That She Actually Started Crying) <3